rewind
The world is made up of two different kinds of people. People who have no qualms about (being seen) eating by themselves in a crowded cafeteria, and those who simply can't imagine themselves doing it.
I'm the first kind. More often than not, i enjoy my own company so much that i seldom take the initiative to ask for company if i wanna grab a bite. Or perhaps because after a long morning in school, i'm simply too tired to pretend to be interested in the latest gossip, on mundane work-related topics and the shallow, stilted conversations you can only have with people you see at least 6 hours on a daily basis but somehow still doesn't feel right to call them your friends.
Give me my styrofoam box of zhi char and a John Grisham any day and let me enjoy my lunch, the bo-chap in me drawls. You ain't gonna become best of friends with these people anyway so why bother, the cynic in me says. I need that little time to study, to catch up on my work, and TO REST!, my selfish nature justifies herself. I know i can make friends easily, but, i just couldn't care.
That was how i spent many of my lunch breaks in the office when i started working in Sony. Spinning in like a tornado and retreating into my invisble realm and its boundaries within the cubicle walls. Only lately in the past 3 weeks ever since the gala dinner (in which i had a fantastic time), did i lower my defences and stepped out of my little rabbit hole. I got to know them better, they got to know me better. But sometimes it's a little too late. Poof, came the day my temp contract ended. Which is today. My colleagues were very sweet - they gave me a teddy bear and photoframe and a delicious strawberry cheesecake from the cafe at first floor.
I was touched, but not overly so, for this scene has replayed many times already. That is the problem with taking up all the part-time temp jobs like i do. Bittersweet nostalgia hits you as you clear your desk and delete the cookies and offline content in your computer and you exchange well-wishes and promises of keeping-in-touch with 3 month old friends. Repeat it 5, 6 times and inevitably, feelings get diluted. That's not cynicism, that's reality. And i guess that's why with every new environment and setting, most of the time i surround myself in personality armor.
Sometimes i look in the mirror and see the steel and chainmails i'm clad in, i don't think God is proud of me. I'm not sure what had happened that made me put them on but one thing i know - it is time to take them off.
(As Yoda will say: kingdom-focused, i shall be.)
I'm the first kind. More often than not, i enjoy my own company so much that i seldom take the initiative to ask for company if i wanna grab a bite. Or perhaps because after a long morning in school, i'm simply too tired to pretend to be interested in the latest gossip, on mundane work-related topics and the shallow, stilted conversations you can only have with people you see at least 6 hours on a daily basis but somehow still doesn't feel right to call them your friends.
Give me my styrofoam box of zhi char and a John Grisham any day and let me enjoy my lunch, the bo-chap in me drawls. You ain't gonna become best of friends with these people anyway so why bother, the cynic in me says. I need that little time to study, to catch up on my work, and TO REST!, my selfish nature justifies herself. I know i can make friends easily, but, i just couldn't care.
That was how i spent many of my lunch breaks in the office when i started working in Sony. Spinning in like a tornado and retreating into my invisble realm and its boundaries within the cubicle walls. Only lately in the past 3 weeks ever since the gala dinner (in which i had a fantastic time), did i lower my defences and stepped out of my little rabbit hole. I got to know them better, they got to know me better. But sometimes it's a little too late. Poof, came the day my temp contract ended. Which is today. My colleagues were very sweet - they gave me a teddy bear and photoframe and a delicious strawberry cheesecake from the cafe at first floor.
I was touched, but not overly so, for this scene has replayed many times already. That is the problem with taking up all the part-time temp jobs like i do. Bittersweet nostalgia hits you as you clear your desk and delete the cookies and offline content in your computer and you exchange well-wishes and promises of keeping-in-touch with 3 month old friends. Repeat it 5, 6 times and inevitably, feelings get diluted. That's not cynicism, that's reality. And i guess that's why with every new environment and setting, most of the time i surround myself in personality armor.
Sometimes i look in the mirror and see the steel and chainmails i'm clad in, i don't think God is proud of me. I'm not sure what had happened that made me put them on but one thing i know - it is time to take them off.
(As Yoda will say: kingdom-focused, i shall be.)
Labels: life lessons
