let me say sorry part II

In The Hospital nowadays, i apologize for things that aren't my fault because i feel guilty for doing things my way, for expecting things to be the way i want them to be. If i were to be melodramatic, i'd say i often doubt my moral right to be who i am in the workplace.

I apologize to the patient for his inconvenience when he was the one who forgotten to bring his appointment card and decided to run around the whole place before asking for help. I apologise to the Nurse Manager for not conforming to a rigid administrative system though i'm much more efficient in my work. I apologise for introducing change, for going the extra mile, for performing 'redundant' acts of kindness for patients.

But when it happens, i make it a point to be overly cheerful to counteract the draining negativity i'm working in. And for the most part, I think kindness and civility, no matter the cost, are crucial for keeping life there bearable.

I know it is an unwritten yet accepted belief that men don't apologize enough. I don't remember my Dad saying 对不起 in the past 5 years. So if thats true, then it is probably equally true that women want apologies for differences of opinion, or want an apology when no intentional act was performed. I do believe that one needs to differentiate between major and minor, intentional and unintentional. Missing a wedding is big, and needs a real apology. Accidently stepping on someone's toe because you both tried to fit through the door at the same time is small and unintentional. That requires more of a 'whoops'. This is like the law. If there was no intention, there's no crime. Unless it was a wanton and reckless disregard for your feelings.

A year ago, i hated it whenever someone tells me, "i'm sorry i made you feel that way." Which a certain somebody does all the time whenever i get mad. But somehow, i've learnt to accept and appreciate his reasons for saying that, for validating how i feel. Because i'll doubt myself as well. Like i have no reason to be so upset at him and my feelings are stemming from something else. That doesn't make my feelings wrong, but it doesn't make them right either. They are just irrational. Sure, maybe the person causing me to experience such feelings is wrong. But was it wrong that they did it, or was it wrong that they made you feel that way, OR was it wrong on both counts? It's all based on circumstance and i'm just too emotional and self-involved to be objective and accurate.

For many times, perhaps both of us are in the wrong, and sometimes one is more wrong, or less right, than the other. There's duality in every situation, because the people you wish you could hear them say sorry probably would have liked you to say the same words to them as well.

M # Friday, December 22, 2006.