my lemonade
I wrote this more than a year ago. How sad and strange that some things never seem to change.
Something is bothering me.
I feel like i'm wasting my time in SIM when what i really want to pursue is a dip/degree in Special Education. And b'cos of a recent incident that happened at work, i've had my 2nd epiphany of my life, which is to specialize in autistic rather than abused children. But as much as it infused me with joy, it left me equally empty and scared.
So what if we really had an epiphany but it seems ready to be smashed to pieces anyway, along with all we knew and treasured and clung to? What if we really had an epiphany and it stripped us of all our cherished delusions, our pretensions and our comfortable securities? The thought of facing my parents' disappointment and disdain, incurring their wrath all over again, listening to them paint the picture of me throwing dollar bills out of the window, pouring cold water over a dream that seems so fragmented and unlikely now. It makes me feel like smashing the light-bulb that appeared by itself over my head. Forget the epiphany. Forget the dream that i ever had. Do as what society encourages, what my parents desire - get my business degree, work my butt off in a cubicle from 9 to 5, find a non-Christian man, marry him and have lotsa babies. Do all this and it will be easier on myself, and who knows...perhaps i'll be happier too.
I remember during a lecture some time ago, Clara just moved closer to me and whispered out of the blue, "Mari, i'm scared."
"Scared of what?"
"Scared of not knowing what my future will be like."
I'm scared too. I'm scared b'cos i know exactly what i want, but i have to live the rest of my life not getting it. Scared that i had made so many mistakes and b'cos of my past laziness and procrastination, i'm getting what i deserve. Is this God's punishment for me? As these thoughts run wildly through my mind, i'm horrified at what sort of person i'm morphing into, dwelling in self-pity, doubts and bitterness.
I'm always comforted by Romans 8:28: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
Time and time again, i have to remind myself not to be a good-weather Christian, one who receives the word of God with joy but has no root and thus lasts only for a short time. A sister reminded me gently that however legitimate my regrets may be, obsessing on them only saps my faith and robs me of the gift of the present moment. Out-of-control regret trivializes the value of lessons learned from failure and rather than stew in regret over bad choices, i'd have to remember that our Lord is supremely adept at making lemonade from our lemons. Rather than ruminate on what i did wrong yesterday, i'll ask God to guide me in making wiser decisions this time around.
There's no mistake so great that it can't be redeemed by His grace.
Something is bothering me.
I feel like i'm wasting my time in SIM when what i really want to pursue is a dip/degree in Special Education. And b'cos of a recent incident that happened at work, i've had my 2nd epiphany of my life, which is to specialize in autistic rather than abused children. But as much as it infused me with joy, it left me equally empty and scared.
So what if we really had an epiphany but it seems ready to be smashed to pieces anyway, along with all we knew and treasured and clung to? What if we really had an epiphany and it stripped us of all our cherished delusions, our pretensions and our comfortable securities? The thought of facing my parents' disappointment and disdain, incurring their wrath all over again, listening to them paint the picture of me throwing dollar bills out of the window, pouring cold water over a dream that seems so fragmented and unlikely now. It makes me feel like smashing the light-bulb that appeared by itself over my head. Forget the epiphany. Forget the dream that i ever had. Do as what society encourages, what my parents desire - get my business degree, work my butt off in a cubicle from 9 to 5, find a non-Christian man, marry him and have lotsa babies. Do all this and it will be easier on myself, and who knows...perhaps i'll be happier too.
I remember during a lecture some time ago, Clara just moved closer to me and whispered out of the blue, "Mari, i'm scared."
"Scared of what?"
"Scared of not knowing what my future will be like."
I'm scared too. I'm scared b'cos i know exactly what i want, but i have to live the rest of my life not getting it. Scared that i had made so many mistakes and b'cos of my past laziness and procrastination, i'm getting what i deserve. Is this God's punishment for me? As these thoughts run wildly through my mind, i'm horrified at what sort of person i'm morphing into, dwelling in self-pity, doubts and bitterness.
I'm always comforted by Romans 8:28: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."Time and time again, i have to remind myself not to be a good-weather Christian, one who receives the word of God with joy but has no root and thus lasts only for a short time. A sister reminded me gently that however legitimate my regrets may be, obsessing on them only saps my faith and robs me of the gift of the present moment. Out-of-control regret trivializes the value of lessons learned from failure and rather than stew in regret over bad choices, i'd have to remember that our Lord is supremely adept at making lemonade from our lemons. Rather than ruminate on what i did wrong yesterday, i'll ask God to guide me in making wiser decisions this time around.
There's no mistake so great that it can't be redeemed by His grace.
Labels: life lessons
