i wrote this on the eve of christmas
You have to live with unanswered questions; there isn't always a why. Or what. Or how. Or anything.
People paint rectangular sentences, rounding them off with "there's a reason for everything" except that they don't know the only reason belongs to God Himself. Doors slam, windows open suddenly, and 'meant to be' flies in and sticks like unwanted chewing gum on the sill of your life. Advisers chant it flippantly, as if speaking of a breakup or a failed exam. They don't attempt the cliches in the face of a child who suffered, fighting cancer, only to die. People want to wrap lessons around things and tie them with ribbons of hope. It will make you stronger. We tell ourselves things, convince ourselves, to make sense of the senseless. We feel better when we have concrete answers to grip, even if they're the 'wrong' ones. They're ours, something to hold onto, like a ledge.
That's the cynical side of me. The one who used to utter the same phrases but never quite believed in them herself. Who distrusts encouragement and kind intentions. The one who couldn't stand to hear messages of "hope and faith", switched off her phone and locked herself in her room. Admittedly i have a run-and-hide complex; i don't think it's a law that i have to face the world anymore than i feel i can take, actually. I've changed infinitely now, at least in my heart and my thoughts.
But my vulnerability towards people is still dependant on their vulnerability towards myself. Only when someone gives me a peek into parcels of their lives; when they are willing to share with you things that are personal and cannot be seen from the outside, it will draw me out of my little hermit shell. Momentarily.
But it's a start. Trust is an uphill journey.
People paint rectangular sentences, rounding them off with "there's a reason for everything" except that they don't know the only reason belongs to God Himself. Doors slam, windows open suddenly, and 'meant to be' flies in and sticks like unwanted chewing gum on the sill of your life. Advisers chant it flippantly, as if speaking of a breakup or a failed exam. They don't attempt the cliches in the face of a child who suffered, fighting cancer, only to die. People want to wrap lessons around things and tie them with ribbons of hope. It will make you stronger. We tell ourselves things, convince ourselves, to make sense of the senseless. We feel better when we have concrete answers to grip, even if they're the 'wrong' ones. They're ours, something to hold onto, like a ledge.
That's the cynical side of me. The one who used to utter the same phrases but never quite believed in them herself. Who distrusts encouragement and kind intentions. The one who couldn't stand to hear messages of "hope and faith", switched off her phone and locked herself in her room. Admittedly i have a run-and-hide complex; i don't think it's a law that i have to face the world anymore than i feel i can take, actually. I've changed infinitely now, at least in my heart and my thoughts.
But my vulnerability towards people is still dependant on their vulnerability towards myself. Only when someone gives me a peek into parcels of their lives; when they are willing to share with you things that are personal and cannot be seen from the outside, it will draw me out of my little hermit shell. Momentarily.
But it's a start. Trust is an uphill journey.
Labels: life lessons
