the guys i meet when i'm an 18 year old geek II
"I'm not who you think i am."
When i heard that, two questions popped up in my mind. You mean you know who i think you are? And most importantly, WHO THE HECK YOU ARE THEN? (Excuse the bad grammar.)
"Uhh. What do you mean? Why don't you just tell me.."
He sighed. A long heavy sigh, filled with the burdens of bottling up whatever horrendous secrets he has kept in fear of jeopardizing our friendship. My heart races. My imagination begins to run wild.
"You really want to know? Please don't be angry okay?"
"OKAY." I almost shouted over the phone.
"Actually...i'm not a Japanese."
I froze for a second.
"THEN?"
"I'm...a normal Singaporean." I can almost see his sheepish face and right at the moment i wished i could land a few punches on it.
"And i don't study at Singapore American School. I study at *censored*."
This sudden revelation is lost on me. I twist my fingers around the phone cord distractedly and frustratedly. A hundred thoughts and questions run across my mind, one by one trying to push their way through my mouth. He said he pretended to be a Japanese because he was afraid that i won't be impressed with a normal, plain, Singaporean Gerald. He had met his white guy friend not in school but through playing basketball.
"I'm sorry... Are you angry?"
I wasn't just angry, i was confused, bewildered and disappointed. I told him it was okay, came up with some feeble excuse of 'my mum is calling me now' and hung up. I needed time to process what i had just heard. Thereafter, i avoided him and deleted his number from my phone.
It was just too...awkward.
It wasn't simply a silly deception, something that you can pat his shoulder and tell him not to worry about it. This guy has some issues with insecurities. Either that, or he is just using me to act out his little fantasy. Both possibilities annoy me. RIGHT FROM THE START, he had meant to deceive me and he kept it up for the next two weeks. Can you trust anything else he says after that?
I cringed as i remember how he had pretended not to know meanings of dialect and Chinese and i had teased him by telling him the wrong answers. He had concocted a story about his life and family in America, what they liked to do and how he missed 'his friends there'. In the end, the only truth he had told me was the very spit of venom that dissolved his attractive web of lies and brought the 'chapter of something special' to an end. Ironic. Well i felt sorry for him too. At different points of our lives, we try to buy acceptance and love from others by being someone we are not. But to be someone of completely different heritage, culture and ethnicity? That shouldn't be too easy or enjoyable after a while.
So this is for you tonight. Whoever you may be in the future.
To know that it doesn't interest me to know where you live or where you used to be educated. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let happiness fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to remember the limitations of being human. It doesn't interest me to know how much money or influence you have. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away. It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself, if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
Most of all, i want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in those empty moments.
When i heard that, two questions popped up in my mind. You mean you know who i think you are? And most importantly, WHO THE HECK YOU ARE THEN? (Excuse the bad grammar.)
"Uhh. What do you mean? Why don't you just tell me.."
He sighed. A long heavy sigh, filled with the burdens of bottling up whatever horrendous secrets he has kept in fear of jeopardizing our friendship. My heart races. My imagination begins to run wild.
"You really want to know? Please don't be angry okay?"
"OKAY." I almost shouted over the phone.
"Actually...i'm not a Japanese."
I froze for a second.
"THEN?"
"I'm...a normal Singaporean." I can almost see his sheepish face and right at the moment i wished i could land a few punches on it.
"And i don't study at Singapore American School. I study at *censored*."
This sudden revelation is lost on me. I twist my fingers around the phone cord distractedly and frustratedly. A hundred thoughts and questions run across my mind, one by one trying to push their way through my mouth. He said he pretended to be a Japanese because he was afraid that i won't be impressed with a normal, plain, Singaporean Gerald. He had met his white guy friend not in school but through playing basketball.
"I'm sorry... Are you angry?"
I wasn't just angry, i was confused, bewildered and disappointed. I told him it was okay, came up with some feeble excuse of 'my mum is calling me now' and hung up. I needed time to process what i had just heard. Thereafter, i avoided him and deleted his number from my phone.
It was just too...awkward.
It wasn't simply a silly deception, something that you can pat his shoulder and tell him not to worry about it. This guy has some issues with insecurities. Either that, or he is just using me to act out his little fantasy. Both possibilities annoy me. RIGHT FROM THE START, he had meant to deceive me and he kept it up for the next two weeks. Can you trust anything else he says after that?
I cringed as i remember how he had pretended not to know meanings of dialect and Chinese and i had teased him by telling him the wrong answers. He had concocted a story about his life and family in America, what they liked to do and how he missed 'his friends there'. In the end, the only truth he had told me was the very spit of venom that dissolved his attractive web of lies and brought the 'chapter of something special' to an end. Ironic. Well i felt sorry for him too. At different points of our lives, we try to buy acceptance and love from others by being someone we are not. But to be someone of completely different heritage, culture and ethnicity? That shouldn't be too easy or enjoyable after a while.
So this is for you tonight. Whoever you may be in the future.
To know that it doesn't interest me to know where you live or where you used to be educated. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let happiness fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to remember the limitations of being human. It doesn't interest me to know how much money or influence you have. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away. It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself, if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
Most of all, i want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in those empty moments.
Labels: life lessons
