picking them up
Idealism is my best friend. He stands next to me and whispers into my ear. "Mari, you can change their worlds." I step in and waddle through debris that is not familiar to me; i pick up problems that don't belong to me, weighing them in my small hands and suddenly they seem quite like my own. I wouldn't walk into their house and go through their closet and tell them how to arrange the stuffs inside, but yet why do i think i can do this with their lives? The reality is when i attempt to solve problems, i plonk myself into their shoes, nevermind that they are not a good fit, i push myself into their world but even though deep down i fail to relate to what they are going through, i tell myself that "the storm will pass soon, i just have to try a little harder..." And when what i have done doesn't make a difference, self-righteousness, feelings of being burdened and discouraged become my best friends.
At the end of the day, i am trying to save them from what i think are their problems. It really isn't about helping them; it is about making myself feel okay.
I have neglected the necessary task of doing an internal inventory for myself for a long time. Because there is stuff up there in my frontal cortex that is not just stuffs - it's memory, more regrets and carefully pickled grudge. The clutter is breathtaking. I always feel that it's better just to deal with items that come up one at a time, as the opportunity presents itself, rather than to attempt a wholesale housecleaning. There are things i am still holding on, things that are doing more harm to my psyche and i'm opening up slowly and surely to my dear discipler, Vanessa. Appreciate her patience and love for me, i can always count on her to 'watch my back'. She says it jokingly, but i know deep down how much she is willing to give her whole heart to see me through my difficult times. But most importantly, she takes care of herself and her walk with God so that she can help take care of others like me.
What are you holding in your hands that doesn't have your name on it?
What is it that God would like you to hold if you would only let go of the ones that you hold for self-glorification?
We are to travel with those whom God puts in our lives, yet we are not to take responsibility for their salvation. I always wondered why the Samaritian left the wounded man at the inn in Luke10, instead of staying and making sure he recovered. But i guess he knew to what extent the man had his name on him. When we are drawn to people with problems that need fixing, or by being enmeshed in situations that are uncertain and emotionally painful, we avoid focusing on our responsibility to our own lives. There is a God and We are not Him. Whoever you may be concerned and worried about now, don't try and change them the way you want them to be... Just plant the seed for God and be comforted that He holds them in the palm of His hand just as He is holding us.
Labels: life lessons
