don't invite me
An ex-classmate whom i haven't met for years sent an sms to me yesterday, inviting me to his 21st birthday thingy at some club. It had my name on it, but it still stank of a mass sms anyway. A mutual friend of ours, who still keeps in touch with both Birthday Boy and me (who was the one who gave him my number as well) asked, "Hey Mari Birthday Boy got msg you right, so you going to the party next Sat?"
"Nope, i have something on already. Besides, it's a little funny... I don't really know Birthday Boy that well. And i haven't seen him for so long i can barely remember how he looks like."
"It's okay lah, now you go and get to know him better lor. Got free food what. Go and show him support lor..."
Support? Do i look like an underwired push-up bra to you? I just don't understand people sometimes. It's not the first time i've received such come-and-be-a-statistic-at-my-party-ok birthday invitations and they are always about the bigggg 21st. What is the fuss about being 21 anyway? An official crossover to ADULTHOOD together with a profound sense of responsiblity and a new lease of freedom? Right. Well it doesn't mean much to me honestly. When i'm 21 in a few months time, i'm still going to live with my parents and two rabbits in our flat...hang my newly washed undies in the kitchen and eat tomyam cup noodles at my desk in front of the computer. What's the diff? Being able to watch RA shows? You got some social problems there pal.
Anyway, i can't even remember the surnames of some of the people who invited me. Like people who receive wedding invitations from long lost aquaintences just so they can fill up the dinner tables and create a lot of atmosphere? It's weird. There was one who actually invited me to come to her house for her birthday dinner the next day. It turned out that it was just going to be herself, her parents, a cousin...and me. Not considering the fact that she lives in Simei and me, Lakeside. It truly baffles me till today. Why on earth did she choose me to be at a dinner with her family?? Maybe it was a sweet gesture on her part but I can't imagine myself shopping hurriedly for that obligatory birthday present, go down to Simei and share chow and cake with her family, standing awkwardly at the table singing Happy Birthday in her dining room. I really can't. And of course i turned her down but i felt bad about it for a long time afterwards.
When i turn down the invitiations usually with some excuse, i feel ridiculously guilty and then a little stupid when they don't bother to reply to your rejection sms. I'm pretty sure they sent out mass sms to so many people that it didn't matter. Even if i turn up at the party, i'd just be another present on display, another friend lingering by the buffet table clutching plastic cups in my hand. You won't want me at your party by the way, i'm such a wallflower. It's worse when it comes to friends whom you used to be really close to, but as the years passed, the friendship reached its expiry date and you can't deny that things are a lot different. It feels awkward even exchanging small talk on the train, much less plan a surprise birthday celebration for her. Yes that actually happened and once again, i backed out at the last minute 'cos it really made me feel uneasy.
I don't know. I'm not that excited by parties but birthdays...they are intimate occasions. They are our days - the first day God wanted us to see the world, the first day we had a voice, a name, an identity, a family. I don't need presents from someone who doesn't know what i want, don't desire someone who probably can't understand my birthday wishes if i say them aloud. I don't want someone who has no part in making the person i am today share the joy of my day.
And i don't want to be that someone too in your day.
Labels: introspection
